Regardless your age, education, or background, you create your perfect life 24 hours a day—everyday. Cool right? Choice is the perfect creation muscle we’ve been given to select or reject any idea, situation, environment, or relationship. You exercise your creation muscles every time you make a choice.
“Wait a minute,” (the question starts) “if I have this muscle and it’s supposed to create my perfect life, why aren’t I living the life I want?
- I want to lose 25 pounds—but can’t.
- I want to look younger—but don’t.
- I want a boyfriend—but I only meet losers.
- I want to travel—but here I sit all alone. How could anyone call my life perfect?”
A great question with a simple answer:
You are living the perfect life you intend.
“No I’m not!”
Sure you are, let’s look a bit closer at your life’s story.
She’s an ultra-busy workaholic with a demanding job, but she loves it. She gets a real boost from the challenges and responsibility and takes great pride in her accomplishments—and paycheck. Lately, she’s feeling life pass her by. She wants a boyfriend, adventure, and wishes she had time to take better care of herself. She’s not really unhappy, but is sad on weekends or when she’s invited to a wedding or something. She’s tried on-line dating and blind dates but the men are either needy or untrustworthy. Her friends and family tell her to stop working so much but they just don’t understand the pressure that comes with her position—and big paycheck. Sure, her sister and brother have families but they don’t look really happy and often need to borrow money from her. The people around her don’t seem to understand that she can’t just stop working to play; bills must be paid and people are counting on her to pull through.
Can you find the perfection in her situation?
Can you find evidence of her perfect creation muscles?
Where did it all begin? Success and Security
As a child, she may have been influenced by her parents and other adults to become self-sufficient and success. Maybe these well-meaning adults had a limited view of success or were trying to protect her from becoming dependent upon a potentially unreliable partner. Often, adults who have regrets try to right the score through children they influence. Perhaps this girl adopted the fear of disappointment as part of her definition of success.
Choosing to study and work hard created her success.
Success is only possible with great personal sacrifice—so she was told—therefore she willingly gave up opportunities for personal relationships (they might be a let down anyway.) Her steadily increasing professional success reinforced the effectiveness of personal sacrifice. On the flip side though, choosing to work long hours meant she didn’t have the time or energy for other things, like fitness training, dating, or time with friends or family.
Choosing to work rather than play supports her success and keeps her safe from disappointment.
Though really confident professionally, she is modest elsewhere. Understandably she isn’t comfortable and relaxed with other people outside business because she hasn’t practice these skills as much. It’s hard to accept possible failure and disappointment in her personal life because she only has one definition for success. With so much of her identity connected to success, it feels riskier and riskier each time she ventures outside the comforts of the professional arena. Her need to be loved is strong, but her fear of failure (losing her success) is stronger. Work begins to feel like a safe haven.
Choosing to work rather than play continues to support success and safety.
Sound like you?
You may not be looking for a husband and adventure, but if you’re over-scheduled and frustrated, you may find the perfection for this workaholic holds true for you, too. This hypothetical workaholic could be any number of the women I’ve coached, mothers especially. For mothers, it’s mostly about feeling worthless if not earning a paycheck or worried that they aren’t “mothering right.”
Self-handicapping with a whopping to-do list seems like a demonstration of value and feels like an acceptable “out” should something go wrong.
It’s perfect! If your intention is to stay safe from something, creating a life that prevents you from facing it is perfect. If staying safe isn’t necessary any longer, then you can choose to create a different life.
Simple, yet not so easy a thing to do.
There are often huge implications in choosing differently because there may be a lot of their lives that need undoing. I know, because I had my own share of “perfection” to undo and it wasn’t easy. What helped me rally the courage to exercise my perfect creation muscles was recognizing how powerfully they had created my life already. Just because I didn’t want to stay safe any longer didn’t mean my safe life wasn’t a perfect creation. It was perfect because I was protected. I had proof of my power and that gave me strength.
Powerful shifts happen when you can first embrace the perfection of your current—though not desired—results. Just like me, you have a whole lot of power in your muscles. Most people don’t realize the need to update their definition of success and therefore become almost enslaved to the habitual way in which they exercise choice. Break free by first acknowledging and appreciating the life you created, it served you well. Then, clarify the new life you want to create and go out there and FLEX!
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