All About You After a Breakup

Five things to consider doing before rushing in to fill the vacancy.

No matter how a relationship ends, so many people rush to fill the vacancy. Instead of rushing in, perhaps it’s time to pause and think about yourself.

Five things to consider before you fill the vacancy

1.  Check for Dead Weight

Compromise is part of building strong relationships, however, now that this one is over it’s time to go back and decide whether you want to stay with those changes or drop them like so much dead weight.

2.  Empty the Suitcase

Still mad, sad, or in pain from the breakup? You’re carrying around some baggage. Deal with the leftovers so you don’t burden someone new.

3.  Takes Two to Tango

It’s logical to assume that you had a hand in the breakup, so be honest with yourself about your contribution and forgive.

4.  Love Yourself

Others will come and go but you’ll have YOU forever. Learn to love yourself and treat yourself really well.

5.  Reconnect with Friends

Existing friendships often get put on the back burner to make room for romance. Now you have time to reconnect with the people who are, and will always be, by your side.

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After-a-Breakup

Self-Handicapping

Doing counterproductive things may reveal your true intention.

What are your true intentions?

Have you ever procrastinated? Yes?

Are you so busy with life that you don’t have time to exercise?  Yes?

Have you ever partied too much the night before something important?  Yes?

You may be self-handicapping.

Self-handicapping is doing counterproductive things that make it less likely that you’ll be able to perform at your best. Not only counterproductive, but is seems counter-intuitive unless you consider the person’s true intention.

Why Self-Handicap?

What if you weren’t sure you could win, and what if preserving your self-image was more important than winning? In that case, you’d probably create plausible deniability, “Hey, I got a C on my exam! That’s pretty good considering I was hung-over and only studied an hour before the test.”

When the outcome is particularly important or you’ll feel harshly judged by a poor outcome, self-handicapping seems a way to soften the blow. Unfortunately, it’s a big set-up for an even farther fall because not only won’t you have what you want, no one—not even you—really buys the excuse. It’s a set up for depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

When you’re operating with two competing intentions, the one that matters most will decide your behavior.

Two things to try

  1. If you’re self handicapping so that you don’t have to follow through with something you really don’t want in the first place, your challenge is to figure out what it is that you really do want and work from there.
  2. If you’re self handicapping to avoid facing disappointment, your challenge is to find several other options for success. The more options you have the less you’ll worry over any one failed attempt because you’ll know that, even if you fail with your best effort here, you’ll have several other ways to go for the overall win.

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Listen to the Morning Motivational Moment about just this idea.

We broadcast live on Jolana’s Morning Radio Show, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning at 7:30 on WFAS 103.9 FM, New York.

 

Listen With Caution

You might need to be uncomfortable in order to get happy. Be brave and ask a lot of curious questions so that uncomfortable choices are wisely made.

Remembered experiences, and the feelings we associate with them, form our thoughts about who we think ourselves to be. The older we get the more experience we have thinking of ourselves in a certain way. It’s how we come to know who we are.

Predictions

Knowing ourselves makes decision-making easier. We can make good predictions about the future based on our memories of similar situations from the past. Our ability to predict the outcome of a choice is possible through our associative memory. Thanks to our hippocampus, a part of our unconscious mid-brain, we can store memories about people, places, and things as remember feelings. That means that we’re likely to feel good about something new if we’ve stored good feelings about something similar.

Living Inside the Box

It stands to reason that most people choose that which makes them comfortable. The problem is that feeling comfortable may be nothing more than having familiarity with something. Just because it’s familiar doesn’t guarantee it’ll be good for you.  So, if all of your choices are made so that you feel comfortable, you might find yourself trapped in an uncomfortable box.

Follow the trail – is it comfortably bad or uncomfortably good

Listen-with-caution

To “feel” is simply thinking in the past.

Caution

Sometimes you might have to choose to be uncomfortable in order to get happy. Be brave and ask a lot of curious questions so that uncomfortable choices are wisely made.

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